Monday, March 12, 2018

Surat "terakhir" untuk anak dari seorang ibu yang didiagnos kanser


I had terrible headache and couldnt sleep the whole night. Maybe its the side effects of ovarian surpressed and partly the fear of chemo that i would have to go through in a few days time. #pinkribbon

What makes me sad is not the cancer or chemo. But everytime i look at Zaara, its a sad feeling gushing in. She's too young to see what i'm gonna go through.

So i decided to write her a letter....

Letter to Zaara

Dear my baby princess,

I love you and you are my life. Every little breath i have is dedicated to you. I was 36 when i diagnosed with Cancer. You were 5.

I just want you to know that, when i was younger, I did everything right. I had a dream, I studied really hard, I climbed the ladder, I achieved all my dreams, i eat right, i dont smoke, i dont take alchohol, i behave like a good girl, I carry good integrity. I was always being polite, I have high respect for people, I did everything I could to make my parents proud.

When i was diagnosed, I was questioning and really cant  find a single reason of why I got this. The cancer type that I got was the rare type and its tripple negative breast cancer. Its super rare that actually only 3% of women with breast cancer that will get tripple negative. Its bizzare that it happens to me.

I thought i was doing all the right thing. I always uphold a strong believe, do the right thing, fight for the right thing, focus on the right thing, spend thousand of ringgit on my skin, my body, my hair, vitamins, travel, etc.

But while trying to do everything right, I worked way too hard and i stressed up my body to the extend my body couldnt cope anymore. The stress in the body creates an acidic environment in my body and cancer live and grow well in an acidic body environment. I was not doing the right thing for my body.

The only thing that I did wrong was to Overworked my body. I stress them up, I forgotten that my inner body need time to rest and recoop. I camofludge my body with travel under the pretext of relaxing trip. But i work while holiday. I camofludge my body with expensive spa treatment on monthly basis, but i whatsaapp and texting people on work while having my body massage. I thought i was giving a retreat to my body, but in actual fact, i was just stressing them more.

So my dear zaara, I know that you will one day be a beautiful young lady, that probably have the same drive like me. Always want to be the front line, always want to win. You would probably have bigger dreams than mine.

But my advice to you is, go chase your dream. I know you are the type that wont settle for second best, but it's ok to be second sometimes. Sometimes you will see the sweet spot in being second.

Have faith, achieve all those dreams with full of integrity and joy and love. Respect other people and dont ever be rude or selfish. Love your father more. Pray...pray..pray all the time and keep thanking Allah for all the things he has given you.

But dont forget to play. Play hard, spend time on yourself, love yourself, take care of your health, eat greens a lot, do exercise everyday, marrry the right man that have similar values as you and your parents. Be a good wife, a good lovable mommy that shower your kids with sweet tender love.

Dont stress yourself. Dont overwork. Dont put work in your top priority list.  Treat yourself and go for your dream vacation. But dont packed your work when you travel for holiday. Keep them away. Dont ever do the same mistake that I did.

Remember that i love you and will always love you. You are my first daughter. I had you when I was 31 years old. You were my best birthday gift of that year. You were born just one day after my birthday. And you looked exactly like me when i was a child.

You will always be the "little elle" and i will always protect you, give you the best things in life. Countinue cuddle you, hug you, kiss you, hold you and never let you down.

I want to see you achieving all your dreams, I want to be at your graduation and feeling proud, I want to cry on your wedding, I want to babysit your child. I want to do so many things for you.

I love you my little elle. You are my heartbeat.

Love,
Mommy

https://www.facebook.com/hadzelynda.khairuddin